so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
