Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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