after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
