What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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