My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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