I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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