Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
