Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
