So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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