I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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