so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
