I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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