When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
