walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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