i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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