OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm like, not good at living.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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