it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
