There was a lot of him and a little penis
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
