I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
