you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
