Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
