i was born a porn star she said
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
