A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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