I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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