I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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