Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She announced her abortion via fbk
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
