I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
