I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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