I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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