Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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