I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
