i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
