I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
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You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
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Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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