you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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