Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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