Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you told grandpa to call you daddy
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
