Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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