Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
