i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Watching her eat just hurts me
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
