Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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