drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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