I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
