if only i could text you this smell
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
