i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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