You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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