Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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