No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
