just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
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Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
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Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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