Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
