Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
