thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
