I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Randomize
