We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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