then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
