singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
