I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
