Umm I'm too high to move.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
