dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
