I wish I could teleport
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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