I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
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we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
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If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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