I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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